Silly Things I Am Sad About

I have been working my way through the grief process in fits and spurts. I am just fine, fully functional 95% of the time. Dentist appointments, soccer games, music classes, teaching, homework... all of that is still happening smoothly and easily. And then silly things like this happen:

And then I go to Target to pick up birthday presents for upcoming parties, and the baby changing table in the bathroom starts me crying. I am in no way wanting to use a changing table in a public bathroom, but I was anticipating it, you know? It was an element of the future as I knew it, and now it has no place in the future as I know it.

Or getting the kids in the car, something I do about 18 times a day. And usually, it is just fine, normal, full of "Do you have your seatbelt on?" and "Please roll up your window" and "Stop bugging each other!" But every once in a while, I look at that space where a car seat would have gone, that place I was anticipating putting a baby those 18 times a day when we loaded up in the car, and it makes me sad. It makes my kids ask, "Mom, what's wrong?" And I answer, "I just miss the baby."

I look at the toys the kids don't play with anymore--the Little People and the outgrown dress up clothes and the baby dolls and the big Legos. I was ready to give them away or pack them up after Christmas, but then we found out we were pregnant, and suddenly, there was a reason to hold on to them again. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, they were about to find new life. But now... what do I do with them now? Do I save them for grandkids? Or pack them up and send them off to Goodwill? I don't know, because I can barely look at them without crying.

And then there's my garage, full of things we had packed up to take to Goodwill--the changing table Allie performed astonishing feats on when she pooed with her diaper off, a high chair that Boden made the most creative disasters on, a portable crib that they both slept in as newborns, and the rocking chair that I rocked both kids to sleep in. They were all ready to go, once Alex and I resolved our differences over whether to have a garage sale (his idea) or just dump them at Goodwill (my idea). Like the toys, we thought it was inspiration that we couldn't resolve our differences; after all, we would need them now! And now... now we don't. Part of me is looking forward to getting them out of the garage finally, and part of me can barely handle the sight of them and the lost potential they now hold.

And the books...don't even get me started on the baby books! The book corner in the kids room is a mess, just a jumble of books, Nerf guns, cast off socks, and American Girl doll clothes. I have been needing to organize that corner for a while now, but I keep putting it off, because I know that at the bottom of that pile, there are baby books. They are those books that my kids are no longer interested in because they are too babyish for them now, too young and too chewed on. And when I look at those books, I see all those nights I won't be reading them to our new baby. So the pile of clutter just grows.

So, these are the silly things I am crying about lately. And when I look at them with an objective eye, I do feel silly. But with my mother's eye, with a glance of grief and loss, I see those babies we lost and I miss them. But every day is a little bit better, every day I can cope better. Someday, I will reach the point where I can deal with all these jobs I keep putting off, hopefully some day soon, because that pile in the kids room is threatening to take on a life of its own. But for now, I just ignore them and cry. I do just have one favor to ask: If you ever see me crying in a Target bathroom, please just avoid eye contact and pretend it never happened.