Yesterday, in spite of all we could do to prevent it, our baby's heart stopped beating at 16 weeks. I went in to the doctor's office on a whim, wanting to hear the baby's heart beat between ultrasounds. They couldn't find it on doppler, they couldn't see it beating on an ultrasound. More powerful ultrasounds confirmed that the baby had died.
When we came home to tell the kids, Boden's first question was, "Does this mean the baby won't slime my toys?" That's my guy, focusing on the positive. Allie didn't respond like I thought she would initially. She just wanted to go jump on the trampoline at a friend's house. But last night, when I came in to kiss her good night, she told me she had said a long prayer for me that I would be happy. I told her that while I may be sad for the next little while over the baby, I am blissfully happy because I have her and Boden. She then had so many questions, like "What if the baby's heart starts working again? What if the baby is actually fine? Will they check before they take the baby out?" Her sweet innocence and faith are so precious to me.
Like Allie, I, too, have so many questions. Why did this happen? Why didn't the shots prevent this? What am I supposed to be learning from these experiences? How can my heart survive this painful roller coaster ride again? Will we ever find our equilibrium? While I don't have any answers for why it happened, I do know there is a great deal I can learn from this, if I will let myself be humble and faithful. Right now we are working through our grief, and I am sure that will continue for a while. But at some point, I do feel we will be able to look back on this and see how the experience, not the loss but the experience, benefited our lives.
One of the hardest parts of losing babies like this is having to re-imagine the future. As I think to this summer, I have to keep reminding myself that there isn't a reason any more to stay around home. This September, my mom won't be coming to help with the kids while we have the baby, and there is now no longer a reason for me not to be involved in PTSA next year. All those things I was looking forward to: holding a sweet newborn, nursing, rocking the baby to sleep--I have to face that those aren't going to happen now.
Right now, I am just talking to God and reminding myself that we can do hard things, and that hard things are indeed what we are here to do, so that we can learn and grow. I am spending time with Alex and the kids, and enjoying sweet words of encouragement and comfort from friends and family.
This being the 4th time we have lost a child in pregnancy, the 3rd loss at 16 weeks, we have grappled with the reality that our family may not be as large as we had hoped. Alex and I, at one point, had very excellent reasons for why a family with two kids is just about perfect for us. We just need to dust those reasons off and remind ourselves again. Alex and I have great hope and confidence that our lives will be rich and complete, and we are so thrilled to have Allie and Boden with us.
To those who have reached out to us, thank you, thank you, thank you. While I can't seem to get through a conversation without falling apart, we do appreciate your texts, your meals, your willingness to watch the kids. You have seen us through this before, and I know that we will get through it again.
And to our sweet babies, I don't feel as though you are a senseless loss. Rather, I hope and pray that one day, you will know us, and we will know and love you. We love you and miss you already.
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